Helping others cope with death, Dying.

Losing someone that you love or care about deeply can be extremely difficult and painful.  Even though it is completely natural to pass away, a fair amount of the time the way or reason someone does may not seem as such.  This is challenging when it happens to someone we know ourselves, but just as difficult when it happens to someone else we know, and we are there to support him or her through this period of time.  Supporting someone through that can be to some like a deer in headlights, and a sensitive time because you are not sure what to say or do.  Here are a few things that can help you support someone through the grieving of their loved one.

It’s personal.  People react to death differently, especially when it’s the first time they are dealing with death of someone close to them such as a parent, spouse, close friend or sibling.  Some want to really talk about it, while others don’t want to say much during that time.  This is normal and ok, because people will react differently.  Additionally, you don’t want to continuously ask them if they are doing ok, especially when you are among a group of friends who knows that person.  Once or twice is good enough over a period of time, which could be a few weeks to a month.  Fifteen people who ask how you are doing or feeling in a short period of time can get annoying really quickly, and seem as if you are insensitive.  Just make sure you are there for them as best you can, and this is about them and not you.

It’s emotional. Most people can and will be very emotional, and at times not appear themselves.  This is normal.  There are a lot of emotions that are going through a person’s mind such as, “I should have said this”, or “I only wish he or she should have known that…” There is no easy way to deal with a missed opportunity to express something to someone that has passed away because they may never know how you felt and that can bring upon extreme guilt.  Recently I lost someone important and I didn’t get the opportunity to express certain things, which was hard to deal with.  However, if the person you are supporting made a sincere effort in reaching that person, as I did, but couldn’t, you can reassure them that the effort is good enough.  This can be really important in helping them not get lost in their emotions, and help them move forward sooner.

Be Patient.  It may take some time for your loved one or friend to get over or through the loss.  This can be a few weeks, or a few months.  During that time, go at the pace of the person.  Don’t worry, they will let you know what that pace should be.  Like of this as if you were a passenger in their car.  You will get where you need to go based upon what driving pace they are comfortable with.  This will be helpful for both you and them in the long run.

Be Supportive.  You may be the primary person they express things to such as emotions, time or presence.  You may also be the person in whom they have coffee, exercise or something else that is an escape from all that is going on.  Yet knowing what your role is helps so you don’t overstep your bounds.  Each role or way you help the person you are supporting is significant to them because you are helping them grieve.  This also includes helping them realize that they might need counseling.  Sometimes the grieving is a bit longer and can turn into depression.  This is where you need to be cautious, but suggest that they seek additional help.  This will be a difficult conversation; however, can help in the long run. 

Setting Boundaries.  This can be the most difficult of them all to do and needs to have the most finesse when you are talking about what you can and can’t do.  You may be wondering what you mean by this; these are things such as religious or personal.  For example, attending the funeral and not the wake.  Some people are uncomfortable with the intimate setting of a wake, and if you are such a person it’s okay to express that, and be sure to explain why.  However, if you are the spouse or close friend, you may need to go past that fear for that support, especially if you are the main person helping them through it.  The main idea is to support whomever it may be throughout the process as best you can.